Riley's Bad Bling Day
by Rai829
Summary: After a night of hard partying, Riley wakes up in a strange new land with no memory of how he got there. Now in this strange land with even stranger characters, Riley sets out to get back home in what is surely his greatest adventure. Chp. 6 changed.
1. Hungover

**A/N: As you can tell by the title, this is pretty much a retelling of Conker's Bad Fur Day, but with Riley as the lead. Some scenes, characters and locations are ripped straight from the game, while others are altered or completely ommited and replaced with my own ideas.**

**XXX**

Riley sat in his throne, a look of complete hatred and depression on his face, and holding what appeared to be a glass of milk. Around his throne were some of the most bizzare characters you'll ever see. Two weasel guards, a paintbrush and a paintcan, a pitchfork taped together in the middle, a small cat with body armor that covered his whole body, three female cogs, a piece of blue cheese with eyes, a rat that had stitches covering his whole body, and even Huey was there, wearing a brown jacket and jeans.

_Riley narrating: Well, dere I am. King Riley, king of all the land. Who would'a thunk it, not me, I can tell you that. I bet you're wondering how I got here, with all these strange characters sorrounding my throne, and how I'm even king in the first place, well I'll tell ya'. It all started yesterday, one of the worst days of my life, my bad bling day._

**The night before yesterday.**

It was another one of Thugnificent's parties and the place was jumpin'!

Riley Freeman, more commonly known as Young Reezy or R. Escobar, danced to the music. Riley was now 18 and hadn't changed at all in the past 10 years, he was still the loud-mouthed gangsta he always was. Riley was dressed in a white shirt over a black, long sleeve shirt, and ridiculously baggy black jeans, it was a wonder they hadn't fell down and revealed his boxers.

"Wassup Esco?" Thugnificent called as he pushed through the crowd and made his way to Riley.

"Wassup Thug? This party's crazy man, I still can't believe chu let them wiggers in here!" Riley said, smiling the whole time.

"Well you know, I figured 'get the party as crazy as possible, and if the cops come, then the party was a succes!'!" Thugnificent threw his arms out in a dramatic fashion.

He and Riley knocked their drinks together.

**12:13.**

Riley was feeling awfully drunk by this time, barely able to stand up straight.

"I think iz time I made leave," Riley slurred.

"Hey Esco, where you goin'?" Thugnificent asked.

"Home...I feel horrible."

"Alright, just be careful, these streats are mean at night."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Riley trudged out of the house, swaying the whole way. He swayed down the street, trying not to fall down.

"Gotta get home...I can see it now, she'll be all 'Where was yo black ass?!' Or something else that gives me a headache."

Riley came up to a fork in the road with signs pointing in different directions. Riley cocked his head to the side, he couldn't read it, he was too drunk.

"What does it say?"

A monk in a red robe walked out of the shadowy night, mumbling stuff to himself while reading a tablet. He sat down, leaning against the pole.

"Uh-oh!" Riley held his mouth, but that didn't stop it.

He hurled all over the ground, right next to the monk. The monk hissed and brought his head up, he looked like a lizard.

"heh, sorry man, didn't see yas," Riley slurred.

The monk hissed again. Not wanting to be close to this wierdo anymore, Riley chose a random path and walked his way down it.

**In the morning.**

"Oh...my head!" Riley groaned.

He sat up and rubbed his temples, ignoring that it only made his hangover worse. Riley opened his eyes, he was on a small island that was close to a waterfall and a concrete bridge that was past the waterfall.

"Where am I?"

"Hey, kid!"

"Who said that?!" Riley jumped up and got into a fighting pose, regreting it when the sudden motion caused him to throw up what he had left in his stomach.

"Come here!" Said the voice.

Riley looked around, the only place on this island was a small crop field with a scarecrow on it.

He trudged into the field.

"Hey!" slurred the scarecrow, suddenly coming to life, "How're you?"

Riley was about to answer, but a horrible feeling in his stomach caused him to bend over.

"Hey, watch it! I can't get outta the way if you decide to throw up on me," The scarecrow complained.

"Where am I?" Riley asked after managing to stop.

"You're in my field, I'm Birdy."

"Beardy?"

"No...Birdy, 'cause I scare birdies."

"Oh...well, hello. I'm Riley, but most folks call me Young Reezy, or R. Escobar." Riley did some gangsta hand motions, but he just ended up looking stupid because he was so hungover and woozy.

"You look don't look to good, Freezy. Use the context sensitive pad."

"The what?"

Birdy pointed to the ground, Riley was standing on what looked like a big pressure pad.

"Concentrate," Birdy said.

TING

A lightbulb appeared over Riley's head, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a big bottle of beer.

"Don't mind if I do!" Birdy snatched the bottle and chugged it down.

"How does that help me?" Riley asked.

"It doesn't. Use it again."

This time, Riley pulled out a bottle of helium. Birdy snatched that and took the helium straight from the bottle.

"Really nice helium," He said in a hilariously squeeky voice, "Use the pads young padawan, you are special...goodnight!" Birdy slumped over and passed out.

Riley swayed out of the field.

TING

He looked down, he was standing on one. He reached behind his back and pulled out a glass of water and a pill. He dropped the pill in the water and watched it disintigrate, then chugged the glass. He instantly felt better.

"Aaaahh...I feel much better! Now then, time to leave this place."

Riley jumped into the water and swam over to another very small island, right at the tip of the waterfall. There were platforms hanging from the wall up to the bridge.

"Gotta do thid just right." Riley got back as far as he could and dashed forward.

Right at the tip of the ledge, Riley put all his force behind a jump. He soared to the platform and managed to catch the side with his hands. He pulled himself up and rolled onto the platform.

"Now I just gotta do that five more times...s--t!"

As he jumped around, he noticed he was getting better, and got on the last one with ease.

On the bridge was a giant gargoyle, blocking the path.

"Damn, you're a big fella!" Riley exclaimed as he walked up to the gargoyle.

"What do you want?" It demanded.

"To get past you."

"I don't think so. Have you ever tried to sit on those perches we gargoyles usually sit on, goes right up you arse, that's why I came here. It took me twenty years to get comfy on this stone bridge and I'm not moving!"

"Is a'right?" Riley whipped out an over-sized frying pan and smacked the gargoyle upside the head.

"A frying pan?! Hahahaha, you stupid..." The gargoyle apparently was not good at balancing and began to sway, "woah, WOAH...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" He fell down the waterfall and crashed with such force that the bridge shook and knocked Riley on his butt.

"Great, now my ass hurts!" Riley complained as he rubbed his soar bottom.

He got up and walked through the tunnel that lead who knows where.

**In a castle.**

A very big panther in kingly robes and a crown on his head was sitting on his throne and drinking milk.

"Aaaaahhh...refreshing."

"More milk, sire?" ASked a skinny weasel holding a spear.

The king nodded and the weasel poured him some more milk. He took a small drink and set it on the table next to the throne, whcih had a busted leg so the grass broke and the milk was spilled everywhere.

The two weasel guards cowered in fear, the king was pissed.

"ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRR!!!"  
**XXX  
A/N: Okay, so that was pretty much an exact replica of Conker's first level, but with slightly different dialouge and the boulder didn't block the path. **

**Please review.**


	2. Barnyard Antics

Riley walked out of the tunnel and into the next area. it was a very brightly colored and cheery looking. Riley walked down the hill that lead into the area, the place itself wasn't all that big, more like a place where you get to other places from, like a hub. He looked around, he saw a giant hive, a windmill, down the creek was an open water area with spiked balls in it, a little ways away was a hill with giant, red beetles asleep on it, and there was a crying bee to his right.

"OOOHHH...whatever shall I do?!" The bee--who appeared to be a queen--questioned and went back into hysterics, "Y-you there, human!"

"Yes?" Riley crossed his arms in annoyance.

"Please, you have to help me! The hive is the only thing I have left..."

Riley barely paid attention as the queen went through a list of her problems.

_This bitch better be rich, 'cause she ain't cute. _Riley thought.

"And I don't know what I'd do without it! Please get it from the wasps!"

"Helpin' ain't realy my thing," Riley deadpanned and began to walk away.

"Wait! I'll pay you!"

Riley's leg stopped in mid-step.

"Pay eh? Fine, I'll get the hive."

"Oh, bless you kind sir!"

Riley cringed at the 'kind sir' remark, and began walked up the path to the big wasp hive.

"I gotsa a bad feeling about this," Riley mutterd as he walked up to the hive on the honey-covered ground near the wasp's hive. The bee's hive was a little bit smaller than Riley.

The second he lifted it off the ground, three pissed looking wasps came out of the wasp hive.

"Oh s--t!" Riley cursed.

"Hey, some wise guy's trying to steal our nice new hive!" One with a cigar said as Riley turned around and bolted.

"Let's get him boss!" The skinny one exclaimed.

"Yeah, let's get him!" Said a fat one and gave chase.

"Oh, s--t, oh s--t, OH S--T!!" Riley continuously cursed as he high-tailed it for the bee's wooden stand.

The wasps tried to stab at Riley several times, shouting profanities and other stuff as they chased him.

Riley finally got close to the stand and threw the hive on it. The queen went inside the hive. There were sounds of mechanical wirring as two machine gun barrels poked out from the hive.

"Suck lead, muther buzzer!" Riley exclaimed.

The machine guns let loose on the wasps, blowing them apart.

"You won't get me!" The one with the cigar declared as he turned stinger and flew away, his butt smoking.

The bee fired the last shot and nailed the wasp right in the ass, blowing him apart.

"That takes care of that," The queen said as she flew out of the hive.

"Thank you Mr. Human. It is with great honor, that I gave you your prize!"

A talking stack of manoey peeked out from behind the hive.

"I heard somebody wants some dough," It said as it hopped to Riley, who had dollar signs in his eyes.

He snatched it up and stuffed it in his pocket.

"Once again, I thank you for your help!" The queen said.

Riley nodded in an acknowliding way and walked off.

"Hey Bruno, look at that!" Said one of the beetles, pointing at Riley, who couldn 't hear them.

"Looks like eh...one'a dem human-things."

"I think we should go down there and kick the s--t out of 'im!" The beetle kicked the air.

"Naw, wait till he comes up here."

"Okay."

Riley approached the hill where all the beetles were. He stepped on the hill and Bruno flew at him. He collided with Riley and knocked him down. Bruno flew back to his perch.

Riley got up and rubbed his head.

"You beetles wanna f--k with Young Reezy?!" Riley shook his fist.

One of the beetles flipped him the finger.

"Why you..." Riley reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver handgun.

BAM BAM BAM BAM

The bullets ricotched off the beetle's shell, making him mad. He rushed at Riley, but when beetles fly, their shells no longer protect them.

BAM

The beetle busted into pieces as the bullet ripped through him, sending yellow goo everywhere. The other beetles were in their shells and didn't hear the commotion. Riley repeated this three more times before the path was finally clear. He trudged up the hill, which was now covered in bits of the beetles.

Riley entered the tunnel that lead to the next area. After a bit of walking, he came to a barn. The area was overly colorfull, like the other place, and was enclosed by small mountains.

In a small area, there was a rat running around burping and farting, and off to the side were two metal blocks, a very big purplestanding on a smaller grayer one.

"Dat's something you don't see every day," Riley muttered.

He walked up into the little area, and the big rat came up and burped in his face.

"Why you little!" Riley smashed his fist into the rat's face.

As if it was nothing, the rat got up, not a scratch on him, and began to scamper around again.

"I say, I say little fella, you better get this fat-ass bitch off'a my back pronto!" The grey block ordered.

"What's in it fo' me?" Riley asked.

"There' something real neat inside that barn. Help me, and I'll open it for yas."

"Mmmm...fine." Riley began to walk away.

"Oh, one more thing, just one more thing. You might run into my friends, Burt, mention my name, Jack, and everything'll be just dandy."

Riley nodded and walked up the path.

"How do you get rid of a rat...use cheese as bait...or somethin' involving cheese." Riley smiled wickedly.

Riley came up to a wooden gate that wa guarded by a grey block of metal.

"Ay, you must be Burt," Riley said.

"I'm Burt."

"Jack sent me."  
"Well I'll just open the gate up for ya', and you can do what you please."

Inside the fence was a cheese ranch...you heard me. The walls were made of cheese and living cheese scampered all over the place. One looked at Riley and squealed in fear. Riley pulled out his frying pan and knocked a few of them out. Picking up what he could carry of the big blocks- five -he headed back to the place with the rat. Everything was the way he left it.

"Ay, rat!" Riley called as he dropped the unconcious pieces of cheese.

"Marvelous!" The rat exclaimed as he ran up to the cheese and began pigging out.

Now, these were big pieces of cheese, even though the rat was 4-foot tall, it appeared he was eating too much. He forced the last piece into his mouth and his stomach expanded.

"Uh-oh..." He continuously got bigger and smaller.

"Oh crap..." Riley backed up.

"I think I ate too much!" The rat's stomach steadily expanded, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

BOOM

He exploded, scattering across the little area. Riley covered his head as rat chuncks flew everywhere, the rat's head landing at his feet.

"I ate too much," The head groaned.

The big purple block jumped off the Jack's back and landed beside him.

"OH, thank god!" Jack exclaimed.

"Now you gots'ta hold up yo' end of the deal!" Riley said, rubbing his pointer finger and thumb together.

"Right. Use me and the bitch to get up on the roof, then press a pressure pad down and the door should open."

Riley hooped on Jack, then the purple block, and finally the roof.

"So, want some green stuff!" A stack of money that was on the roof said.

Riley eyes turned into dollar symbols as he snatched the money up. After saying some dumb saying about money, Riley jumped on the pressure pad. The barnyard door creaked open. Riley jumped off the roof and walked in.

Inside were living haybales, jumping around with looks of evil on their faces.

"Ay, you over there!" Riley called the attention of the smallest.

They all stopped and glared at Riley.

"I hear there's something real neat inside here, I can't see it myself but..."

"This is pretty neat!" The smallest one exclaimed in an evil voice.

The double-doors slammed shut and a board went across it, locking it.

"What the..." Riley tugged and pushed at the piece of wood, but it was stuck good, "I need something to open this." Riley looked over at an area in the barn, there was a pitchfork, a paintbrush and a paintcan over there.

"Maybe that pitchfork'll work."

Riley walked over and was about to grab the pitchfork.

"What the damn diddly-squat are you doing in my barn?!" The pitchfork demanded, suddenly coming to life.

"Daaaayuuuuum! A talkin' pitchfork!" Riley exclaimed, though he didn't back down.

"Not from 'round here, are ya' boy?"

"Nah, I'm from the twenty-first century."

"Stop making me mad boy!"

"Don't take crap from him Frankie!" The paintcan chimed.

"Yeah, don't take crap!" The paintbrush repeated.

"Were your parents related, like, before they were married?" Riley asked.

"Right! That's it, I'ms gonna give you a whoopin', here we go!" Frankie lunged at Riley with his fork-end. Riley dodged and grabbed him by his head.

"Lemme go!" Frankie yelled.

"Okay!" Riley chucked him like a spear, taking out some of the hay too.

"You made me hurt my friends! Now you'se gonna get it!"

He lunged at Riley again, who dodged and caused him to take out another heybeil. Two minutes later, all the hay was dead and Frankie was sulking.

"Man, that was the crappiest sh---est, crappiest kick ass I have ever seen!" The paintcan scolded.

"Heh, yeah! As far as kicking ass goes, that was abysmal and you is a bastard, f---in' stupid bastard!" The paintbrush scolded.

"What kinda friends are you?" Frankie asked.

"What're you gonna do now, kill yourself? 'Cause that's what I recommend! We even got a rope you can use," Paintcan said and looked up at a noose that was tied to the cieling.

"Fine! I will go kill myself!" Frankie bagn to hop away, but turned around quickly, "F--k you!" Then began to hop away again.

A little bit later, Frankie was hanging himself.

"HAHAHAHAHA, you stupid bastard! You don't even got a neck!" Paintcan pinted out.

"Yeah, he doesn't even have a neck does he?" Paintbrush said.

"Why must you repeat everything I say?!"

"Do I always repeat what you say?"

"Yes you do, actually!"

"Oh..." Paintbrush hung his head.

"Oh damn, I don't got a neck! I's gonna be up here for some time." Frankie hung his head.

"Right, that was fun, but time for Young Reezy to make his leave." Riley walked over to the wall and pulled a lever. The door was un-locked and creaked open, and Riley could'a sworn he heard what spounded like some drunk bum screaming, but shrugged itn off. Riley walked out and shut the doors behind him.

Up on a platform in the barn, a giant haystack with arms hopped down and landed with a big THUD. The paintbrush and Paintcan cowered in fear.

"Time to hop around for no good reason," The hay said in a deep, evil voice.


	3. The Haybot

The king bee had fallen out of the barn when a hatch he was laying against opened, and was now sitting on his butt in a corner. He noticed Riley walking by.

"Hey buddy, can you spare me a dime? Hey...man they always ignore me...HEY!!!"

Riley stopped and turned around, "What?" He crossed his arms in annoyance.

"You know, in my own country I am a KING!!"

"Here we go," Riley muttered.

"But that bitch threw me out! Apparently the hive keeps gettin' stolen, I don't care. She couldn't fit in the thing anyway, you seen how fat she is? Bitch! Now I'm reduced to the status of a bum."

"yeeeaah, that's nice...later!" Riley began to walk away.

"I'll give you cash of you help me."

Riley stopped mid-step, "Done...wait a second, I thought you were begging."

"Well, I...got a secret stash."

"(Sigh) What do you need help with?"

"Well, (Cell rings.) Hold on a sec..." The bee put his cell to his ear "Uh huh, yeah...okay...bye."

"Who was that?"

"The author, he cut out the big breasted sunflower, so I gotta think of a new way for you to help me."

"Big breasted sunflower?" Riley muttered with a cocked eyebrow.

"I got it! There's a big bale of hay in there who runs the barn, take it out so I can run the barnyard."

"You better have my money when I'm finished."

Riley opened up the barnyard, but quickly closed them when he noticed the pissed thing of giant hay.

"I gotta find a way in there without having to take that hay head on." Riley noticed the open hatch in the side of the barn from where the king fell out. Riley got under it and jumped with all his might, managing to catch the side. Riley walked into the barn, he was up on a platform with beams connecting other platforms together.

Two bats hang on the corner, they began to talk in bat speach.

"Hey Barry, isn't that a human?"

"Where, I can't see, I'M BLIND!!!"

"Use your sonar dumbass!"

"Oh, now I can see him. Yep, that's a human."

"Wanna hurt him?"

"yeah!"

Riley slowly walked across the beam, trying to keep balance. The bat screeched as it flew at Riley.

TING

Riley pulled out a high-powered blowtorch and roasted the bat, it fell to the floor, scorched and dead. The other bat decided not to mess with him after that.

Riley turned left when he got to the end of the L-shaped beam, he was going to free Franky and use him to fight the haybale. Riley stood on a conveniently placed context sensitve pad.

TING

Riley pulled out a handfull of throwing knives.

"Uh-oh..." Franky said as Riley lined up a shot.

**In the castle.**

A weasel scientest with no legs and sitting in a floating chair was hovering back and forth, thinking.

"How to fix ze bosse's table. Most things are too big or too small, think damn it think! You don't want the boss to get out the duct taped again, not until they're done. I got it!" Doc pulled a chart down, it was of the human anatomy, "A leg, should be replaced with a leg."

**Riley.**

Franky yelped and squirmed around as various sharp objects were hurled at him. Riley was now just throwing like a mad man.

"Stay still!" Riley ordered the dodging pitchfork.

A cleaver flew through the air and cut the rope Franky was hanging from.

"This is gonna hurt..." Franky said before screaming his way to the floor.

Riley dusted his hands off in a 'job well done' manner and hopped down off the platform.

"Oh, my fork," Frankie groaned.

"You a'ight country boy?" Riley asked.

"Yeh, I'm just fine." Franky somehow managed to stand up himself, despite having no hands, "Wow Mr. Human, you saved my life, I owe you a big one! I was hanging up there by my purty little neck, it was like one of dem dere executions you hear about."

Riley looked over at the paintbrush and paintcan, they were wearing executioner clothes. Riley looked back at Franky, but then realised what he saw and looked back, they were normal again.

"Something wrong?" Franky asked.

"Naw, I'm cool," Riley waved it off nervously, "So you owe me now? Help me get rid of that guy." Riley pointed to the giant haybale.

"Well alright, I finally have an excuse to kill that bastard! Now hop on ma back!"

"Say what?"

"Hop on ma back!"

Riley wrapped his hands around Franky and planted his feet on the edge of his forks so he could stay on.

"Time to kick some ass!" Franky exclaimed.

"Kick ass? My ass, hahahahahaha, you suck, hahahahahaha!!" Paintbrush and Paintcan laughed.

"Hold on a sec." Riley jumped off Franky and walked over to the paint supplies.

"Ow...HEY...AH!!!"

Riley had shoved the brush into the can, shutting both of them up quite nicely.

"Now, we can kick some ass," Riley said as he hopped back on Franky.

"Yahoo!" They lunged at the hay and stabbed him in the ass.

He suddenly caught fire, which confused both of them tremendously.

"What..." Riley whispered to himself.

The hay turned around to reveal the whole left side of his face was robotic with a red eye.

"Buff you, ass----!" The robot flipped them the finger.

They lunged it it again, it dodged and punched Franky, which also hit Riley, knocking them across the barn.

"CHARGE!!!" Riley held Franky like a spear and lunged at the haybot.

He dodged a giant hand swung at him and jabbed the bot in the face, causing him to catch fire even more.

"AAAHH!!!" The bot shook his fists around and began hopping angrily.

The concrete floor began to crack and pieces fell through.

"S--t!" Riley cursed.

The floor gave way and they all screamed as they fell into the depths of the barnyard.

Some falling later, Riley smashed into the floor and actually bounced from the force of the fall.

"Ow!" Riley groaned.

Franky landed beside him, and got stuck in the ground. Franky forced himself out and fell on his face.

"You alright?" Franky asked as he magically picked himself up.

"Yeh, I'm good." Riley got up and dusted himself off, wincing when he ran his hand over a bad bruise.

"Well, we sure showed that bot who's boss! Yeah, that was a piece of cake."

"Yeh, it was actually...that's different."

Suddenly, evil sounding music started to play.

"I don't like the sound of that music," Riley said, backing up slowly.

"I don't like the sound of that either."

With a thunderous leap, the haybot soared out of the flames, in full robot mode. Riley's eyes buldged out of their sockets in a cartoon-like manner.

"Suzie 9mm," Said the haybot in an austrian accent.

Red missiles with a face came out of the bot's shoulders.

"i'm right here sweety pie, just tell me where to shoot," One of the missiles said.

The missile rocketed off and headed for Riley, who flew to the ground. The missile slammed into a pipe and busted a hole in it, water now flowing out. Water and something mechanical, they don't mix, even Riley knew that. He hopped back on Franky and made their way to the pipe.

Another missile was launched. Riley was able to jerk Franky away from the whizzing sound he heard just in time, the missile blew up a wall. They hid behind the pipe.

"What now?" Franky asked as another missile made contact with the pipe.

"We gotta get that water on him, short circuit his mechanical ass!"

The bot began to jump to them, apparently not noticing that he was about to step into the water.

ZAAAAAAAAAAPPP

The haybot was thrown back to the middle of the area. His smoking body spun around, showing a big red button. Riley and Franky hopped to the bot, Franky jumped up at just the right moment and Riley smashed his fist into the button. The haybot spun around really fast, then both his arms blew up, throwing Riley and Franky back.

"I'M MAD!!!" The bot exclaimed in a whiny voice and armed more missiles.

The unlikely duo took cover behind another pipe that was busted open the missile hit. More water flowed out, and like a big idiot, the bot began hopping to the pipe.

ZAAAAAAAAAAPPP

You know the drill from here.

BOOM

The bot's top half blew up, leaving the jumping pad, which began hopping to Riley.

"Uh-oh."

The pad stopped, some whirring was heard and slumped over, officially shut down.

"We definately showed him that time! Franky, where are you...oh no!"

Riley walked over to Franky, the last explosion busted him in two.

"Ohhhh, the pain! I'm a goner Mr. Human. I'm just toothpicks from now on."

"Oh, you'll be fine."

"What're you gonna do?"

Riley pulled out some duct tap and taped Franky back together. Franky looked over the tape, which buldged from his wooden body because Riley put so much on.

"Feels alright...I kinda like it. How does it look?"

"Umm...looks great." Riley gave the thumbs up and an unsure smile.

"Ya'know Mr. Human, out of all the people I've ever met, you've got to be the nicest, bestest, kindest, nicest..."

"No need to get sentimental."

"Sorry."

"How do we get outta here?"

Franky walked over to the wall and pushed bit of it in, revealing a door. They walked through the door and were back outside.

"Fresh air!" Riley took in a deep breath.

"Hey buddy!" The king bee flew up to them, "You get ridda that hay?"

"Yep."

"Great! Here's your money." The bee handed Riley 200 dollars.

"Sweet. Later ya'll!"

Riley walked over to the tunnel that lead to to Windy's central location and walked through.

**XXX**

**Sorry if this wasn't very good, when an original fight was in a game with the boss having a pattern, it's kinda hard to work with. Remember to review, becuase the more you review the the more chapters I get out, the more chapters I get out the sooner the story ends, the sooner the story ends the sooner I start work on the sequal. **

**Oh, and the sunflower was cut out becuase doing what you need to do in that scene would be really boring if you read it.**


	4. Crappy Job

"I got 400 dollars, cool!" Riley said to himself as he thumbed through his talking money, it was kind of annoying how the wad wouldn't shut up, but it was money and that's all Riley cared about. From what he could tell, the wad had one central brain, which meant when he picks up more cash and adds it to the wad, that bill becomes part of the primary bill.

"What am I supposed to do now? Those spike guys won't let me into the area beyond the creek, so that's out of the question."

Riley was leaning up against a stump one of the beetles used to be on before Riley killed him. He looked behind him at the small mountain and the little area beside it.

"Might as well." Riley got up and walked through to the area.

The second he stepped foot in the place he covered his face and was nearly knocked unconcious from the smell.

_Christ, what a stink! This calls fo' my gas mask._ Riley pulled out a gas mask and stuffed it on his face.

After taking in some breaths that made him sound like Darth Vader, he made his way to the little building in the middle of the poo-covered area.

"Hey!" Greeted a dung beetle at the counter as Riley walke in.

"Hey! Man, this place really smells." Riley commented as he took off his gas mask.

"Yeah see, we're like dung beetles and s--t. Do you want some poo?"

Riley was quite shocked and began waving his arms dissmisively, his voice seemingly gone.

"Alright, get to the pen, there'll be cows, get 'em to crap, and I'll make you a ball of poo. You still here? F--k off!"

Riley flipped the beetle off as he walked over to a hatch the beetle was pointing at.

"Yeah, now go down there and find the way out to the pen," The beetle told him.

TING

Riley hopped into the air, curled up and in some impossible to explain way, he turned into an anvil and crashed through the hatch. Landing with a painful thud and a fresh headache, Riley staggered up and walked down the little hall that lead to an open area with a pit at the bottom and ropes hanging from support beams.

Riley jumped to one of the ropes and began climbing. When he was close enough, he grabbed the edge of beam and heaved himself onto it. He continued this process multiple times until he was close to an opening and jumped in. Landing on the squishy floor, (Which Riley tried to ignore, with the knowledge that it was poo and all.) And walked up the small ramp into the pen area. The place looked like a little arena almost, with a big container of prune juice and a little troff to put it in near it. In the center was a black bull that was standing over a grate, looking around wildly and panting.

"Ay, bull!" Riley got the bull's attention, "I'm lookin' fo' some _poo, _I know it sounds strange, but..."

The bull did his equivelant of a roar and charged at Riley, who was frozen with fear. The bull suddenly stopped, a ditch of water being the only thing stopping the bull from goring Riley.

"Go _away!"_ The bull ordered in an almost demonic tone.

"What?! After manuevering through crap, I'm not leaving until my job is done!" Riley got into what he assumed was an intimadting pose, his foot forward and hunched over slighty as he glared at the bull.

Riley took his eyes off the killer animal and looked over at he prune juice tank, prune juice makes you crap, so it was pretty obvious what needed to be done. He walked on the edge of the ditch so he could avoid the bull and went over to the tank. It was hooked to wooden walls, so Reezy had to do a little jumping before he could get to the turner.

"Alright...how do...I turn this thing on?" Riley asked, panting slightly, all this platforming was lot easier in the games.

He looked at the huge, and I mean _huge _turner, it had a white arrow going around it.

"I think I know what I'm sposed to do."

He carefully got onto the turner, a loud creak sounded as he stepped down. He power walked in the correct direction, began to jog as the wheel turned, before finally breaking out into a sprint. After a few minutes of running, the troff was full of crap-giving juice.

A target suddenly sprang from the wall. A target, a bull and an intruder the bull hates, I think you know what must be done.

"I hate my job," Riley muttered while looking at the camera.

He hopped down off the walls and got into the arena while the bull wasn't looking.

"Ay!" Riley called, already getting into dodging position.

The bull turned and started kicking his feet, getting ready to charge. Riley gulped loudly as the bull got ready. The bull darted forwards, Riley then screamed like a little girl and jumped out of the way. The bull slammed head-first into the target, knocking himself silly and knocking the target back into the wall.

Riley quickly got to the other side of the water and looked around to see if it did anything. A small hut opened up and a cow walked out.

"Oh, that time again, is it? Old bugger lugs is out here, guess I'l just ignore him. I think I might have a bit of grass, moooo," She said.

"Aha, a cow, a talking one too, just gotta get her to the s--t juice." Riley got beside the cow and grabbed her neck in a headlock.

"What are you doing?" She asked calmly as Riley tried in vain to get her to the prune juice.

"Move ya' dumb cow!" Riley shoved her side, but she was so rooted to the ground that he slipped and fell on his face.

"This calls for drastic measures," Riley muttered, his face still in the dirt.

He snuck up to the bull-who already seemed to forget he had an intruder-and smacked his back. The bull jumped in the air and swiveled to Riley, who was high-tailing it towards the cow.

"HUUUMAAAAANN!!!"

"Crap, crap, crap!" Riley shouted.

Diving out of the way just in time, he had managed to get the bull to slam into the cow, who was quite upset.

"Goodness me, stop this nonsense, young man! I've quite lost me appetite, maybe a drink to wash this tasty grass down. Looks to be cranberry flavored, lovely." The cow slurrped up some juice, "Tastes a bit odd...oh well, I'll 'ave some more."

As she drank, the juice was going into effect, and with all that she was drinking, this would probably be nasty. And the effects finally kick in.

"OH, MOO!! Oh my god, good lord! AAH, IT'S LIKE THE SCREAMING S--TS IT IS, I'M OUT OF HERE!!!" The cow bolted for the grate.

After a few minutes of 'ooooh's and 'aaahh's, the cow still hadn't stopped.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Riley remarked, clutching his stomach.

"Lord, I hope Mavis and Olive don't see this, or I'll never 'ere the end of it," The cow said.

"Right (Gags.) I think that's enough," Riley remarked, his face green.

He once again got close to the cow.

"Hey, bull!"

One charge and dodge later and the pieces of cow meat were raining down. Riley officially lost his lunch, (Despite the fact he's had nothing to eat all day.) At that moment, it's not like he couldn't handle the gore, but the crap mixed with that did not bode well with his stomach.

"Wonder if that's enough." He walked over to the grate and looked, two more cows were needed it appeared.

Two crapping cows, throw-upping Rileys, and flying beef bits later, and the bull was standing on the creaking grate.

"Why am I such a fat bast-" The grate broke, plunging the bull into the crap-filled vat.

"Mmmm, seems to be filled with poo," Riley noted. He then realised he had to swim through that to get back to the beetle.

"F--k!" He cursed.

After swimming though crap and avoiding the bull's dead body, Riley was gasping for something other than crap as he surfaced at the trap door and climbed into the building.

"That _sucked!" _He told the beetle at the counter.

"I'm surprised you returned, the bull-and in some rare cases, the crap-usually kill people."

The beetle pulled a fire hose from thin air and sprayed Riley down...litteraly, since the hose was so strong. Riley hacked up some water after nearly getting drowned from the overzealous beetle and glared.

"I hate you," He said flatly.

A dripping-wet Riley walked out into the area, quickly put his gas mask back on, and went to the side of the building, where the poo ball was. Before he could even think about what to do with a big ball crap, his phone's ringtone went off, it was Thugnificent's best song.

"Yeh?"

"Bitch, where's all my money?!" A deep voice rang out through the phone, causing Riley to jerk his head away and his ears to ring.

"Who the hell is this?!" A rather pissed Riley screamed back, the ringing in his ears had yet to stop.

"Don't play dumb with me! This Big Daddy, hoe, and payment is late!"

"What?! What're you talkin' about?!"

There were sounds of a struggle on the other line.

"Gimme the damn phone!" A familiar voice ordered.

"Stop it man, you're ruinin' the joke!" The other voice said, losing a fair amount of deapness.

The sounds of the struggle finally ended, and a familiar voice began talkin'.

"Sorry 'bout that Riley, Ed was bein' dumb, as usual," Rummy said.

"I ain't dumb!" Ed defended himself.

"Rummy, Ed, I'm glad ya'll called!"

"What's goin' on Riley, we havn't seen you all day."

"That's why I'm glad ya'll callin'. I don't know where I am, some place called Windy, or somethin' like that. I don't even know how I got here."

"What's the place like?"

"It's all bright and colorful, and there are talking animals and other things, I rode a pitchfork and fought off some hay that turned out to be a robot just a while ago."

There was a long pause on the end.

"Rummy! You still there?"

"Riley...what kinde drugs have you been taking, 'cause I want some."

"No drugs man...look, I'll call you when I figure out what's going on exactly."

"Okay man. Peace!"

"Peace!"

Riley hit the disconnect button and stuffed his phone back in his pocket.


	5. Aristocatfish

Riley snapped the yellow glove towards the wrist, "Let's get this over with," He muttered.

He very hesitently put his hands up to the poo ball and began to roll it towards a ledge that lead to where those imps were. His main reasoning for this is mostly because there was a sign that said 'no poo balls!' and rules were meant to be broken.

Riley inched the crap forwards and shoved it over the edge. He looked over and saw that an imp that wasn't in the water was now a poo ball with green feet. He hopped down onto the wooden platform and looked around for something that could help, there was a button on the wall that had a 'do not touch' sign over it.

"Ah, whoops!" Riley smiled mischeviously as pressed the button.

A hole in the bottom of the pool opened up and created a whirlpool, sucking up the two imps in and probably drowning them.

Riley walked along the edges of the pool and came to another tunnel.

"What's up with all these damn tunnels?" He wondered as walked through it.

Well, at least this area wasn't made out of crap. There was a clear, blue river, and a docks that was connected to land Riley was on.

"Huh...guess this is the water world."

He walked down the dock slightly, there were five purple catfish at the end, all women.

"YOHOO!!! Human-person, are you begging for food? Meow," The one in the middle said.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Riley asked, surprisingly nonchalant.

"Look, I'll cut straight to the chase. We need someone to do a job."

"What kinda job?"

"Well, there's this fiendish brute swimming around near our vault, and we can't get to it. We need someone disposable to go and take care of him."

"Screw you! I'm not helping some blue-blooded bitches get back something they can't get for themselves."

"(Gasp.) Deary me, what language!"

A butch-voiced one leaned in and began to whisper to the apparent leader, "Don't worry dear, these commoners always talk like this. Dreadfull isn't it? I think we might need something to grease his palms."

"Good idea. What if we gave you something for your services?"

"Depends what it is."

"10 percent of a fortune."

"That sounds about that right." Riley hopped into the river.

"Come back and tell us when he's taken care of," The catfish said.

Riley nodded and swam off. After a little bit of swimming, he came to an enclosed, circular area with a giant bulldog fish chained up to a block on the middle.

"That's an interesting breed of fish," Riley commented

The bullfish barked at him.

"How do I get this guy? I'm not Aquaman."

Riley looked through the murky water that was around the fish's area, there was a small opening that lead somewhere. Riley took a deep breath and swam for it, the fish's chain was short enough to hold him back at least from there.

**After some swimming.**

Riley emerged from the water, gasping for air. He swimmed through a tunnel that went down and up. He was now in some sort of tower.

He looked around the room he was in, there was a wheel big enough for someone to run on in the middle of the room and a really big cog on the wall, connected to the wheel via turning log. There was also a much smaller cog near the bigger one, and three wooden rods coming out of the wall.

"Some must be missing," Riley reasoned as walked over to the cogs.

"F--k off!" The small cog shouted, suddenly having a cigare in his mouth.

"Is everything alive in this place?" Riley questioned in a bored voice.

"Either bring back me missing cogs, or f--k off!"

"You don't have to shout!"

"I'm deaf, speak up or f--k off!"

Riley noticed what almost looked like a pair of eyes on the cog's lower half. He grabbed the cog's side and spun him. Sure enough, the cigar turned into one of those long holders for smokes and the cog was suddenly smiling.

"Well, hello there," It greeted in an upper-class accent, "Arn't you the handsome fello. listen, would you be interested in helping me out?"

"Maybe."

"You see, my other half has lost a few of his 'friends' and he needs them back or my life will be a misery, it already is actually." He began to spin, "Uh-oh! Ta-ta!"

"You bitch, don't ever do that again! F--k off!" The bad cog shouted.

Riley studied the wooden rods and the two, (Technically three.) Cogs.

_Turning cogs do something, I think. Maybe I should get those other three, just to see what it'll do._

A platform elevator lowered to his side, and he got on. It raised him to some platforms connected with beams.

Riley put his hands out for balance and began to slowly walk across. While he did this, a few bat started talking in bat speach.

"Hey, isn't that the human that burned Barry?"

"Where?! I can't see!!"

"For f--k's sake."

A bat screeeched as he flew at Riley.

TING

One bat flombe, cooked via blowtorch, ready to serve.

Riley made his way up the tower with the ropes and beams, cooking bats as he went. He made it to the very top platform and was greeted by something green.

"Here I am, ya' greedy bastard!"

Riley snatched the dough with dollar symbols in his eyes. He then turned to a wall and pulled down a lever.

Riley made his way back down the tower, things made easier because all the bats were now dead. Riley stepped off the elevator platform and looked around, no change to the room.

He walked over to the water and looked down into it to see if anything changed there, a grate in the wall was openined up. He jumped into the water and swam through a metal tunnel that lead to more tunnels. Riley got out of the water and walked into one of them.

"AAH!!!" A red, female cog shrieked and ran away.

The tube was just one big circle, so she ended up right next to Riley because her cog body didn't allow good braking.

"AAH!!!"

CLANG

Riley smashed her in the head with his frying pan and took her back to the room.

"That's right, put her on!" Mr. Cog ordered.

Riley pushed her on the rod nearest Mr. Cog.

"Now go get the other ones!"

_Don't hurt him just yet Riley, wait until he serves his purpose...BUT WHO DOES THIS BITCH THINK HE IS PUSHING ME AROUND!!!_

Riley went to get the other ones.

The second one was blue and the last one was green. The green cog was very hard to get, she was really fast, and Riley barely nicked her when he did get her, but apparently that was enough.

"Thanks, s--t head!" Mr. Cog thanked Riley.

"Don't mention it."

Rikley hopped on the big stone wheel and began to run.

**Outside.**

The dogfish suddenly felt a presure on his nech as he was yanked back. He tried to fight the restricting chain but it was no use and was pulled back until he was touching the stone block.

**Back with Riley.**

"I GOTTA GET OFF THIS THING!!!" Riley shouted as he tried desperately to keep up with the wheel and not get thrown into a wall.

Finally getting up enough guts to do it, Riley hurled himself off the wheel, only to crash head-first into a wall.

All the cogs were spinning way too fast, and Mr. Cog suddenly flew right off the wall.

"S--t!" The cog cursed.

All the female cogs then got off the rods.

"Ladies, it is finally time we get our revenge on this evil cog. Grab him!" The red one said.

CLANG

BASH

CRASH

WHAM

THWAP

CHOP

After a severe beating, he was put up on the bigger cog.

"Oh good lord! Not Mr. Big Cog! That's certainly me buggered!"

_It certainly is. _Riley thought, smirking.

"I'm out of here!"

He flipped around and went back to his good side.

"I don't see what the big deal is, I find it quite comfy," The cog said, "oh, and your little problem outside should be taken care of. Now get outta here!"

After flipping the suddenly rude cog the bird, Riley made his way outside, where the fish was now chained close to the block and could barely move.

Riley swam back up the small river and told the catfish.

"Well, he's taken care of. I need the combination to the safe.

"We can't just give that away! We'll do it."

"Whatever."

They all swam back to the safe. The fish began to mock the bulldog, then he barked at them and they promptly wet themselves and shut up. The leader catfish went up to the combination putter and tapped it once, causing it to spin extremely slowly, then she clicked it again when it said 'right'.

_That's a lame way to put in a combination. _Riley thought.

He climbed into the safe and looked around.

"Hello? Money! Money!" Riley called.

A sleeping wad of money hopped up and looked at Riley.

"Who the f--k're you? You ain't the boss of me! I'm outta here!" The money dove through a hole in the floor.

"Hey, get back here!" Riley jumped through the hole and landed in a tunnel.

He walked forward and came to an elevator platform, which took him up to another tunnel that was connected to a boiler room.

Under Riley was a smaller room with a beer keg in it and two fire imps. One of them guzzled down some hot sauce and chucked the bottle away, the other one was amoking a joint.

"Say, this is a neat joint!" One of the imps said, sounding high as a mofo.

"Gimme some of that!" The other one ordered.

"F--k off! Gimme another beer!"

"F--k off!"

The two laughed their asses off. Then Riley dropped down in front of them, his back turned.

"Hey, who's that guy?"

"Looks like a human. I here they're really flammable."

"I like flammable."

"What do we do?"

"Hide, ya' hide!"

"What do I do with this?" He held the joint up.

"Shove it up your ass!"

"Okay!" He actually shoved it where the sun don't shine.

Using super speed, they zipped past Riley.

"What the hell?!" Riley questioned.

The imps had rounded up the whole crew and there were now ten of them. Riley began looking around for something that could fight fire, then he saw the beer keg.

"I can't believe I'm about to do this," He muttered as he walked towards the keg.

He turned it on and chugged some, straight from the tap. A little gauge was suddenly seen in his eyes as it went to red. He hiccuped and drunkenly swayed towards the imps.

Riley unzipped his pants and...oh god...OH GOD!!! He began to urinate on them, which was somehow putting them out completely and turning them to ash. After a few minutes, Riley sobered up and all but two of the imps were gone.

"What do we do now?" One of the imps asked.

"Let's do the big, big guy!"

"Yeah, the big, big guy!"

They both hopped into a boiler. Riley watched with confusion as the boiler suddenly came alive and broke off from the pipe.

"Hey, it's my turn to drive!" The imps began to argue about who was going to drive.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, do calm down! We have business at hand," The boiler said in an extremely higher-classed voice.

"Wow, he sounds really ponsy, is he up for the job."

"Is he up for the job? You see that button right there."

"Yeah."

"The one with the..."

"Yeah."

"Press it."

A pair of brass balls suddenly came out of the boiler's crotch(?).

"_Woah_...I see what you mean," The imp said.

The boiler began talking, "Balls of brass, sir! Polished to the nth degree."

"Damn! A big-balled ponsy boiler, that's just great!" Riley commented.

Then, the boiler charged. Screaming like a little girl, Riley jumped out of the way, causing the boiler to knock himself silly on the wall. Riley examined the boiler, what could hurt this thing?...something that hurts all men, a nice whack to the balls. He ran up to the boiler's balls.

TING

Riley whipped out two big bricks and slammed the boiler's balls between them. The boiler screeched in a high-pitched voice and stumbled back.

"That's right, bee-yotch!" Riley exclaimed.

The boiler regained himself and opened the hatch on it's body, then started breathing fire.

"WOAH!!!" Riley dove away from the flames.

He got up on some pipes with a pull-cord above it. The boiler charged and Riley yanked the cord when he was on a grate near the pipes. Sewage rained out of a pipe on the ceiling, covering the boiler in it and dazing him. Riley went up and slammed his nuts with the bricks again.

Riley got the boiler to run into the wall again and smashed his nuts when he was dazed.

He did it again, but didn't stop with just the bricks, he smacked him with the bricks four times, hit him three times with the frying pan, and smacked his balls so hard they came off and ricotched around the room.

The boiler made some pained noises and fell over, dead.

"OH NO!!!" The two imps yelled from the inside.

"How do we get outta here?"

"I don't know!"

"What about right here."

"Um...that's the back passage."

"AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!! What about this button?"

"Don't push-"

"WARNING!!! WARNING!!! SELF-DESTRUCT SOON!!!"

"Oh, you stupid bast-"

BOOOOOOOOM

Well, that takes care of the imps and the boiler.

"Now, where's that money?" A door opened up on the other side of the room and Riley walked down the hall.

He ended up back in the vault, where the money was. Riley snatched him up and went outside.

"Ladies, look, he's got the money," The leader catfish said, "Now give us our money, honey, and you'll get your dollar."

"What? That's it, a dollar?"

"Yes, ten percent, as we agreed."

Riley counted the money, "One...two...three...ten, ten bucks...ten bucks?! I thought you said it was a fortune!"

"It is a fortune."

Meanwhile under the water, the bulldog was pulling so hard, the chain was starting snap.

"Here's the new deal, I keep the lot. See ya'!" Riley stuffed the money in his pocket.

"What?! You can't do that...that's out mo...meow."

"Yeah, well screw you!" Riley jumped in the water and began swimming away.

That's when the chain snapped. The fish went agro on the catfish, ripping them apart and utterly destroying them. Riley began to swim faster in hoped the fish would forget about him while dealing with the catfish, he didn't.

Riley made it back to the dock and climbed up. He ran across the dock as the dogfish ripped it apart and chased after him.

"S--t, s--t, s--t!!"

He jumped to the side when he was close to the wall the dock was connected to and the fish slammed into it so hard, he got stuck.

"Yeah, that's right!" Riley said as he watched the fish try in vain to remove himself from the wall.

He jumped on the fish's back and hit it's fin with his frying pan, causing the fish to let out a whimper of pain.

"Hey!" Called a voice.

Riley looked up to a hole in the wall, where there was four wads of cash. He hopped up and snatched the money.

"Well, looks like I did get something out of all this," Riley said as he hopped down and entered the tunnel back to Windy.


	6. GMP

Riley found himself back at Poo Mountain, tryinng to find a way to get through the boarded up tunnel.

"Man, where's a context sensitive pad when ya' need one?" Riley asked.

There were two paths up the mountain of poo, Riley took the first one, while rolling a poo ball. He rolled for a few minutes and was stopped in his progress by a huge, sleeping dung beetle.

"Ay, move!" Riley ordered; the beetle didn't move.

Riley was about to shout again, but didn't say anything and smiled wickedly. He rolled the poo ball down a few yards and continued to walk down without it. He got another poo ball and rolled it up the second path.

After a bit of rolling, Riley was on a ledge that was right above the giant beetle.

_One stick'a dynamite later. _He thought as he shoved a lit stick of dynamite into the poo.

He then rolled it off the ledge, where it fell into the beetle's mouth. He intantly woke up and began to choke and hack.

BOOOOOOM

The stick exploded, blowing the unlucky beetle into little pieces. Riley hopped down and continued rolling the first ball up the path. There was a tunnel at the top of the hill, so Riley shoved the ball down it.

There were a series of crashes as the ball smashed through and moutain.

CRASH

It came out of the boarded up tunnel. Somehow knowing this, Riley walked down and entered into the mountain.

WHAM

A dung beetle collided with Riley, knocking both of them on their asses.

"Hey, watch where you goin'!" Riley said.

"Sorry! I wouldn't suggest goin' in dere! Oh god...it was horrible!"

"What happened?"

"Okay, it was two days ago, and me an' the lads were 'avin a cup of tee. Then Bazzer walks by and I wave to him, he waved back an' as he waves, a giant hand comes outta the shite and swipes him up! Two days later, I'm the only one left. There's money up there if your daft enought to get it, but I'm outta here!" The beetle flew off.

Riley walked into the mountain on the paths made of poo, suspended over more poo, and looked up at the glass-covered cave near one of the paths.

"How do I get that open?" He questioned.

A piece of corn then hopped to him.

"BRING ME SOME SWEET CORN!!!" A booming voice ordered.

Riley looked around, puzzled and kind of scared, "Ummm...okay."

Rley brought out his frying pan and swung at the corn, but the corn was NINJA CORN!!!

He blocked and hit Riley in the face.

"You lil' bitch!" Riley swung wildly with the pan.

The corn wasn't fast enough and Riley knocked it upside the head(?). He picked it up and chucked it into the poo.

Riley was treated to one of the craziest things anyone will ever see.

"Now I done seen everything..." He commented as he watched the giant poo monster slowly rise from the crap and stick the corn into his tooth slot.

The poo monster cleared his throat as Riley stared in awe.

_"Mee, mee, mee, mee!" _It readied in an operah voice, _"I am the Great Mighty Poo, and I'm going to throw my s(Fart noise.) at you!"_

Riley's expression read 'Holy s--t!'.

_"A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish! How about some scat you little t(Fart noise.)?"_

The GMP ripped a chunk of poo out of himself and sent it soaring through the air.

_...Wow... _Riley thought, too stupified to notice the brown substance soaring through the air.

TOO LATE!!! It landed beside him and exploded (Not litterally.) with enough force to send him across the platform, landing smack-dab on a context pad.

TING

Riley stood up, holding an over-sized roll of toilet paper.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" He war-cried pointlessly as he chucked the roll of tissue into the GMP's mouth.

The poo beast hacked and coughed out toilet paper as his achille's heel was found. He dived back into the poo.

"RAH!! AH!!!" It roared as it re-surfaced.

_Do you really think you'll survive in here? You don't seem to know which creek you're in. Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear! How do you think I keep this lovely grin?" _GMP smiled to show his shiny teeth (That poor corn.), "Have some more caviar!" He ripped another piece of poo from his body and hurled it at Riley.

"Oh sh-!" Riley dove out of the way just in time, but the pad was now covered in crap and unusable.

The GMP continued to pop up in random places that weren't covered by the platforms and coninued to chuck poo balls at Riley. Riley found another pad and retaliated by hurling the toilet paper rolls at the poo balls, breaking them. The GMP popped up in the hole right beside him and sang a long note for no apparent reason and Riley chucked a toilet roll into his open mouth.

"RAAAHH!!!" He roared as he sank into the poo and re-appeared back in the middle, _"Now I'm really getting rather mad! You're like a niggly, tiggly, s--ty little tag nut! When I've knocked you out with all my bab, I'm going take your head and ram it up my BUTT!"_

Riley was horrified, _"Yo' butt?"_

_"My Butt!"_

_"Yo' butt?!"_

_"That's right my butt!"_

_"UGH!!!"_

_"My butt!"_

_"EEER!!!"_

_"MY BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTT!!!" _His insanely loud and almost shrill note cracked the glass towards the other side of the mountain.

So the battle continued. GMP chucked crap, and Riley chucked toilet paper.

Riley lined up a shot and threw it right down the GMP's throat. It coughed and hacked up the toilet paper. GMP chucked a piece of crap onto the last context sensitive pad. Riley was screwed now, no way to fight back.

Fearing that his voice might be damaged from all this toilet paper, the GMP decided to sing an extremely loud operah note to make sure his voice was fine.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"_

The glass that covered the room exploded from the force of the note. Riley noticed two things in the room: cash and a pull cord for flushing toilets. He high-tailed it for the room, dodging flying crap as he went.

GMP wound his arm up for another throw, before noticing he was sinking at an alarming rate.

"OH, YOU STUPID HUMAN!!!" Wailed the GGP as he swirled down Poo Mountain as if he were in a toilet, "WHO COULD'VE THOUGHT AN INSIGNIFIGANT STAIN LIKE YOU COULD TAKE ME DOWN!!!"

Riley looked mad as he continued to tug on the flush cord to see if the annoying poo monster would go down any faster.

"I'M FLUSHING!!! I'M FLUSHING!!! WHAT A WORLD!!!" He screamed as he was sucked up fully, leaving behind a giant hole, where an 'EXIT' sign could bee seen poking out on a stick.

Riley put his hands in his jacket pocket and looked at the camera, "A poo monster's weakness is toilet paper, and you take him out by flushing him...who knew!"

Riley grabbed the money.

"CHING-CHING!!!" He exclaimed as he pumped his fist.

Then walked over to the giant hole and jumped into it...then fell head-first onto a platform, and just to add insult to injury, his head got caught in the poo.

"MMPPPHH!!!" Came his muffled curse as his legs kicked wildly into the air.

**Riley's place.**

Cindy sat on the couch, waiting patiently for Riley to return, though she had a feeling he was probably hungover and lost somewhere. You read right, Riley was in a relationship with Cindy and they lived together...it's strange how things can turn out; isn't it?

KNOCK KNOCK

"He better have a good excuse this time!" She snarled as she got up to open the door.

It wasn't Riley, it was some kinda rock monster, his arms were crossed he looked mad for no real reason.

"Who're you?" Cindy inquired, not even caring he was a rock monster, "Look, whatever you're selling, I'm not interested!"

The rock guy just looked at her.

WHAM

The blonde girl was knocked unconcious when a powerful blow knocked her right in the face (POW, right in the kisser!).

The rock guy growled as he dragged Cindy out the door.

**Back with Riley.**.

A poo-stained Riley walked through a tunnel that lead to a giant pipe filled with water.

"Least I can wash this poo off." He jumped into the pipe and began swimming through it.

After a little bit of swimming and dodging giant fans that would probably cut him into little bits, Riley made it to a platform that lead to a walkway that lead into the next area. There were two weasel gaurds gaurding the walkway; one of them was taking a dump behind a rock.

"Hold it!" The skinny guard pointed his spear in Riley's face, "You have to pay the toll."

"How much?"

"1000 bucks."

Riley sighed and reached into his back pocket, grabbing the money and handing it to the gaurd.

"There." Riley began to walk past him.

"Hold it!" The gaurd blocked Riley's path with his spear, "You're a human, arn't you?"

"Why?"

"We need one. You're coming with me!"

"Hey man, get off me!" Riley smacked the gaurd's hand away, "I'm not a human."

"You're not?"

"No, I'm a red squirrel." Riley was actually being sarcastic.

"Really?" This guy was dumb as a sack of hammers, "But you fit the description I was given so well."

"What description were you given'?"

"Well, humans are tall, don't have fur, have hair on their head, and have no kind of thing coming out of their arse."

"Well your description is wrong. Humans have fur and are short."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They have big bushy tails, and fur all over the place."

"So you're not a human?"

"No." Riley walked past the confused gaurd.

_What a dumbass. H_e thought as he walked past.

The fat gaurd finally finished taking his crap.

"Aaaaaahhh...there's nothin' quite like a good shat!" He then looked over at Riley walking away, and suddenly looked mad.

"Don't worry!" The other weasel began to explain himself, "He's a red squirrel."

"A red squirrel...?"

"Yeah!"

"...You stupid f--k!"

Riley turned around, "One more thing I gotta do," He said, then whistled.

The money popped out of the gaurd's pocket and hopped towards Riley.

"Did somebody call for me?" the money asked before being snatched up.

**XXXXX**

**Please review.**


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